The Healing Heart

As my sister’s one year heaven anniversary approaches, I can feel a healing mist come over me, reassuring my heart that my sister is smiling. She is wrapped in God’s love blooming with happiness. Her angelic life where cancer is unheard of is now permanent. She is cared for in the best way ever. God gave her a promising home beaming with unfailing love. And knowing that has helped me heal in so many ways. And for that, I am beyond grateful.

Healing takes time…

My heartache and overflow of tears are still present. They come and go in waves. That intense feeling you get when something seems a bit off. Your breathing feels a little dense. You are somewhat shaky. You are out of your element. Uncertain. And you’re sorting through those last moments of your loved one’s life. That last hour which is engraved in your heart for life. Their last living hour. Their last words spoken which you replay so often in your mind.

“Home is the best place.

“Najlepiej jest w domu.”

Those were Iza’s last words spoken on April 5 at 12:45 p.m. as she sat down by the window, looking at the rain outside.

How touching and true…

Because home is where it all begins and ends. The place where life’s most precious memories are made. Where love is taught, lived and carried on for generations to come…

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I cherish her last day

April 5, 2017 was the most difficult day of my life. My sister leaving us. Her body dying and soul rising. Her words and intense hand grip fading away. Her slow and heavy breaths. Her last blink. Her stubborn smile and reassuring nod. The oxygen mask she despised and finally took off. Her most impressive strength and courage to live. Her peacefulness and readiness for heaven.

Her devotion to God and awareness of what lies ahead.

The welcoming of the other side.

Forest

I am slowly accepting her death..

I made peace with God’s plan to take her from me. I am happy that she’s wrapped in His arms. I know she’s happy and loving life. And that is truly wonderful. But no matter how many weeks, months or years pass, it will not be easy living without a sister. It simply won’t be. After all, she was my one and only sister whom I thought I’d have beside me as I get older.

Am I still angry? A little bit. Am I more understanding of her young death and why it happened? Somewhat. Am I fully healed from her loss? Absolutely not. Have I moved on and found strength again? Definitely yes. How so? Because I’m beginning to accept her death. And I’m more eager to live the life I was given and still have. I am living with a purpose. For my family, friends and everyone I love here on Earth. Including my sister above.

I hope for strength…

The healing process after a loss is difficult to explain. The one who understands it the most is the one who experienced a similar loss and knows the feeling. The depth of this emotional pain. How incredibly tough it is to say “I’m fine. I’m doing much better.” When in reality you’re not. You may seem strong on the outside but the inner you is still very fragile. Hurting. Crying. Still seeking answers. Still missing the loved one you lost.

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You’ve gone through the grieving steps. You read books. Watched videos. Connected with people. Met new friends. Lost some along the way. Made peace with God. You’ve moved on and so forth. But no matter how your life is and where your heart is taking you, you will forever be changed. You are now a different person. Growing in so many ways. Maturing. Living fully.

You are a healing soul…

Always looking up. Praying for strength beyond the clouds…

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Life is different…

As my kids get older and ask about their aunt, I hope to give them the right answers. I hope that my healing will bring comfort to their hearts as they grow up without her. I hope they’ll understand my tears and the stories behind them. Mostly, I hope they will never forget who she was in their eyes. How she made them feel.

Life will never be same again because a loss cannot be brought back. Missing the person you loved and lost will never go away. My sister may be gone but she is on my mind day and night. She lives within my heart and that piece of my heart lives in heaven. It belongs to her and always will. And that will never change.

Missing her will last a lifetime.

With my healing heart beside it…

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Til then, I will live, love and love more

30 thoughts on “The Healing Heart

  1. Your post is a journey so related to your hearts path through a very hard, painful place as you try to resolve that loss. It will change you so that you will come to terms with what Iza has always meant to you and realise that you haven’t really lost her but become closer because of it. You will let go of many things within yourself that are built on the pain of that loss so that all that is left is the love of that connection, opening your heart in a much more fearless way so that you will no longer think with your pain but the love she has always meant to you, and you to her…and because of that never to be forgotten.
    She is in a very beautiful place, I have touched it, and I can barely put into words the incredible love and beauty that it means. And I also know that her heart is aimed at you to keep living, keep putting one foot in front of the other, because she also knows that it is there that you too will find what you are looking for…the love that she now is a part of.
    My condolences for a time that will test you many times over, but my blessings also for the love you will find because of that journey ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! Your words of encouragement have really touched my heart. Thank you so much for helping me know that a loss does change you and I definitely believe that. And yes I have become closer to her since she passed which is so strange to say. God is taking care of her and I’m grateful for that. ❤

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      1. Iza is in a very lovely place, I wish I could put into words the beauty, peace and love that it is built on Ewelina, but that is a joy we will all touch when it is time. And it is because of my journey that I now really appreciate ‘down here’ and the beauty that this world also has, as it teaches us by its conditions how to appreciate and love ourselves, the one thing because of our fears we find difficult to do.
        It is a hard journey up our own mountain, but the appreciation of the view at the top will far outweigh the struggle to get there ❤

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  2. I pray all the time for you and for this process you have to go through. Time heals somewhat but you will always love and miss her. I understand this pain. Love you

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes grieving is so difficult. Everything I do reminds me of her in so many ways. Heaven is a blissful home for her now and I am sure she’s having a blast there. It is her forever home. Thank you for reading. Love you too girl 😍

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  3. Those are beautiful words, very inspiring thoughts. Yes life without Iza is so different now,but your tribute to her your posts about her brings comfort and warmth to my heart. Time suppose to heal but little part of the heart always will stay empty. So I will pray and wait for the next beautiful story of Iza. And yes Home is the best place.

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    1. Thank you so much Aneta. I am so happy you were part of my sister’s life and continue to support her memoir. I am sure she is smiling above knowing her great friend is reliving her memories. So grateful to have your support. And yes! Home is truly the best place 😍

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    1. Thank you so much for reading. Writing her online memoir has definitely helped me heal in some ways. However, my road towards fully accepting that she is in a better place may never end. Praying for that 🙏❤

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  4. You have a beautiful blog and this is a wonderful tribute to your sister. It is helping me process my grief further for my sister who died on her 16th birthday many years ago, for my other sister, and for my parents who are happy to be together again. I am comforted by your understanding of the grief process, nature’s help and God’s love. I will not say I’m fine, but I am getting better.

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    1. Thank you so much for supporting my sister’s memoir. I am so sorry about your sisters’ and parents’ loss. I cannot imagine how hard that must be for you. I don’t think we will ever fully heal from a loss so close to us. All we can do is accept that heaven is eternal paradise and our loved ones are wrapped in God’s comfort and everlasting love. Praying for you. ❤

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  5. Evvy,

    Wonderful job again! Your perspective on the gift of Iza’s life and the struggle with acceptance of losing her was blended together beautifully. I’ll continue to pray for you guys and certainly look forward to your next posting.

    Love,
    Adam

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh, Evvy, I am with you in thoughts, tears, and gratitude for the long life of my sister in law, (“Coke”) Veronica who died at midnight two days ago at age 91. She was a treasure for my brother Pat who died eight years ago, their six children, and the rest us who enjoyed her! I know you will continue to miss your sister and grieve your loss, but she will be a guiding light for you as you continue to love her in the years ahead. Love, Sheila

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      2. Thank you so much Sheila.I am so sorry about your recent loss. God must be really busy in heaven taking care of so many wonderful people. The ones we lost which God gained above. Grief is tough but knowing our loved ones are in great hands helps a lot. Oh how I wish I can just pick up and chat with my sister 😢

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